Lion’s Roar
One Year/12 Months/52 Weeks/365 Days
It’s been one year since my youngest stopped breathing and we saw the life go out of his eyes. One year since my husband gave him CPR before he started breathing again and an ambulance rushed him to the hospital where he spent 8 days in the PICU. One year since he needed machines to monitor his vitals and one to help him breathe. One year since a nasty virus took over his little body and all I could do is pray and wait.
I feel like this past year has been a struggle for me. During that time in the hospital, I felt so deserted by God. I wanted so bad to feel Him wrap His arms around me. I didn’t understand why we had to endure all that. The nights were long and dark and made me yearn for the light of day. My faith has definitely been tested going through that and in this past year. Maybe that was the reason for it all? Maybe it was so I would cling to the light and cling to my God and my Savior, which I did endlessly. I had to blindly trust in Yahweh because at times there were no answers, He was my only hope. I still have questions and regrets. But maybe there’s a point for that? To wrestle with God and be in communion with Him, always searching for answers from Him. Just as Jacob did in the bible, seeking a blessing from God, persevering through the night, and receiving a new name. Symbolizing transformation through an encounter where his struggle and wrestling with God leads to new identity and deeper faith and ultimately, God’s blessing.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about that moment or the days following. Nothing prepares you for something like this happening to your child. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. It happened so quickly. It came out of nowhere and hit him hard and fast. It was so hard watching him endure all that he did while he was in the hospital. All the pokes and blood draws and medications he had to take. It really took a tole on him physically & emotionally. It was also hard for us having to witness it. He was always a super active and feisty little guy. My favorite thing he did was sing praise songs, specifically “Hard Fought Hallelujah”. It was one of our favorites during that time and took on new meaning for us. I wanted so badly to see him return to his old self, to hear him sing out again. I remember during those days in the hospital I would pray at his bedside and even sing worship songs over him. When I was able to hold him again, I would speak God’s name over him - “Yahweh”. Inhale - Yah, exhale - weh. I would sing “House of Miracles” over him…”Come alive in the name of Jesus, come alive in the name of Jesus, this is a house of miracles…” Those moments got me through one of the hardest and darkest events in my life.
When he came out of the hospital he was very weak and very quiet. I was scared it would change him permanently and we would never see the active little guy we had known. Thankfully it just took time. Days later he started talking more and more and then he started roaring like a lion. It was the funniest thing. If anyone would say something to him or would start talking at all, he would let out a very loud roar. I thought it was only appropriate. You see, when my kids are born, I like to do a silly little thing where I choose an animal for them. One that represents who they are. His animal is a lion so the fact that he started roaring like one after his ordeal was quite perfect. His brothers and sisters didn’t appreciate it because of how loud he was, but I never hushed him. It was exactly what he needed to do. His roar was him saying, “I’m still here!” I loved this so much and every time I hear the song “Gratitude”, it brings tears to my eyes thinking about when he went from having had no breath in his lungs to him being healed and letting the lion out in a very loud ROOOOAAAAARRRRR! And just like the song says,
“So I throw up my hands and praise You again and again. ‘Cause all that I have is a Hallelujah, hallelujah. And I know it’s not much, but I’ve nothin’ else fit for a King. Except for a heart singin’, “Hallelujah, hallelujah”.”
I will simply offer my praise for all the ways God was there, even if I didn’t see them in the moment. But especially for how He healed my little Arrow and gave him his roar. I pray that he continues to show strength, courage, and boldness in God’s power for all of his days!
